Just Another Random Ramble

Just Another Random Ramble

I know that I am a strong woman;

my tenacity and endurance are tireless

my capacity to persevere

through the most demanding & wearisome

of circumstances has been tried & tried again;

and I have stood strong against all life threw at me.

oh there have been times

when I’ve come close to breaking

many many times…

times when I tried my best

and still couldn’t see a way through

the dilemmas at hand.

but somehow I’d hang on tighter

with teeth and nails

and seething

determination

and weather the storm to its very end;

I have gone hungry too many times

and I’m not talking about skipping a meal

I’m talking black coffee for 3-4 days

so the children could eat

or scraping the meagre scraps

from their plates

lying to them by saying I had eaten

a big lunch;

I have been beaten

degraded

abused

used

abandoned…

I have lived with no

water

or phone

or power….

I washed clothes by hand

for four children

for years

after the washing machine

blew up….

I know my heart is huge

I want to love the world

I do love the world

I love to love

it feels good

makes others feel good

I love peace

and the laughter of children

it breaks my heart

because I know that there are children

in this world who do not laugh

children who have never laughed

and I am powerless to help them

I love the morning sun

the setting sun

the uncontained delight of birdsong

I love rain on my face

kisses on my face…

I love walking bare foot

and stomping in puddles

I love cuddles.

this is who I am

I understand me;

what I don’t understand

is why have I been emotional all week now

I don’t understand this daily… hourly

disintegration

into tears.

sharonlee©

1-Aug-11

From 16-18

From 16-18

I spent much of my life as an itinerant worker

staying a couple of days here

a few weeks there

in order to pad my pocket and fill my belly…

I worked in a milk bar in Freemantle

long enough to rent a bedsit

and get a feel for the city…

it was a good place for a country girl

to experience city life

back then it wasn't so hectic

and maintained a lot of parklands

where I could replenish my spirit…

I did a day's work cleaning the pub in Cooper Pedy

desolate opal town that it was/is

just to get a feed and some supplies to take on the road…

back in those day's water was still free…

and smiles freely given…

in Alice Springs I started my nurses training

but that didn't last long

I was unused to being inside all day

uncomfortable in stockings and closed in shoes

was always getting reprimanded

for spending too much time with patients

and for trying to augment my diet

with uneaten food from patients trays….

so I hit the road again

wandering without destination from one corner

of Australia to the other…

life seemed so uncomplicated back then

only responsible for feeding myself

and avoiding trouble…

I camped on a cliff overlooking

the Great Australian Bight

one star lit night

just me and the ocean and prehistoric vibrations…

the chances that any other white girl had ever slept in that spot

were completely non-existent…

I liked doing things like that in my youth

and truth be told I would love to do it again….

perhaps with company of a close friend…

can you imagine that….?

…. unseen from any road…

hundreds of miles from any trace of a modern world

no need for clothing

no need for anything except the company

of a warm blooded male

or female,

depending on who you are and where your preferences lay…

making love (or whatever you care to call it)

to the melody of the surging ocean

and the whisper of an untainted breeze….

…it's something I'd like to do before I shuffle off

this mortal world…

share a star lit night like that

in a place like that -

- with someone special….

sharonlee©

2011

Philosophical Ponderings….

************************************************************************************

Philosophical Ponderings….

I know that if honesty &‘do no harm’ are my mantra, then there have been times I have failed, but honesty and ‘do no harm’ do not always harmonize with each other and there had been times when to do no harm I have been forced to be dishonest...This is my cross to bear and I await karma’s judgement with stoic resignation; In the meantime I endeavour to amend the karmic balance in my life past present and future, and day-by-day seek to be a better person; But as I mature I find communal living to be tiring and the daily effort to be part of a community draining; oftentimes I long for the complete isolation of the bush… a tranquil place of my own where I can be left alone; But I know such all-encompassing solitude is not good for the spirit and without a soul companion to share this isolation I would soon become even more anti-social than I am known to be... And in my inner most core… that part of me that is all woman and nothing else, I have to admit that I am so lonely that now honesty and my own personal philosophical ponderings are my only comfort;

Spiritually Malnourished

I feel a quiet exhaustion…an ageless tiredness born from surviving the passage of time, my spirit and soul drift in a state of lethargy and felt no reason or rhyme nor synergy of heart and mind; there are moments filled with vague reflection with empty spaces in between… the emptiness of unremembered years… I wander through my memories, mind in a dream… I seem to move through life out of step… in some motion way I can’t explain… as if unseen forces tried to hold my stubbornly determined steps at bay…I move through the mundane repetitiveness of each passing day, periodically inspired by fingers of morning mist or the winter sun when it strayed through my window in a rainbow spray… I do not feel sadness, pleasure or pain … there is no sense of progress loss or gain, no anger, resentment or spiritual fire … no physical desire or, feelings of passion no more tears fell down my slowly aging face; all I feel is a flatness and a tired grace… a weary acceptance of time and station and a vague hope for the future as I keep up with life’s pace…

A Moment of Self-Reflection

So in the spirit of erasing all negativity I thought perhaps it was time to be honest with myself; really honest…not the false honesty that I have been using all these years to keep sane, but honest honesty, bare faced, no holds barred stripped to the core honesty… there really are time when I am longingly lonely… for a shoulder to rest my head upon… a hand to hold… I am tired of being the rock; the pillar of strength, the icon of independence... I am achingly tired of being alone… even when surrounded by family and friends or a city were million walk the streets day and night; it was a silent self-accepting loneliness; the loneliness of a martyr, in a way… for my attempts at meeting like-mind people and seeking one who could be…. Could be that soul companion…. Well any attempt on my part has been halfhearted if I am to be completely honest …I had let the inner grow into a bottomless emptiness that knew no end… it was an inner desolation I kept to myself and hid from my friends… concealed behind a facade of false bravado...it was a loneliness born from loyalty to a lost love and perpetuated by fear of the unknown… I want to be touched…mind body and soul, held, loved… I want tenderness and romance…I long to lose myself in someone’s eyes and know that they felt just as lost… lost in the sea of someone’s soul… and yet not lost, but found, at home, content;

With Me

With Me

sharonlee | WritersCafe.org

sharonlee | WritersCafe.org

Blurred at the Edges

Blurred at the Edges

¤

 Her plain beauty now blurred at the edges

by terminal exhaustion

while more subtle changes were taking place within

Her heart refused to be healed

and her body refused nourishment…

All the while the voice kept her company,

urging her to accept life's changes,

to embrace the simple treasures of the world,

sunsets, family picnics, the music of nature…

It came as a surprise to notice one day

that she no longer hated the voice

and the things it had to say

and it surprised her even more to realise

that a certain level of healing had begun

somewhere deep within her…

¤

 now she cried more from loneliness than pain

and She came to realise too

how she differed from the woman she once was

and felt she had evolved to a new level of womanhood

She found it painful to admit

that this quiet spiritual journey

which was so instrumental in her evolution

would not have come about

had it not been for the unexpected death

of her love, father of her children, …

¤

 While she continued to love him

she came to the understanding

that this new woman deserved another chance,

another chance at life,

and another chance to love…

She had trouble picturing

this new sense of self with a soul mate

but the knowledge that it could happen comforted her,

offered her hope for a future time...

For now she was content to live life

as best she could,

to keep her children safe and loved

and as she moved through the healing process

she gained an inner strength

and came to accept life's changes as they rolled around.;

sharonlee©1999

When She Was Only 33

When She Was Only 33

¤

 He was gone for more than a year now

She knew with a cold heart-hardening fatalism

that she would never see his smile

or feel the sweet honesty of his touch

she wrestled with the thought of suicide

so strong was her need to be with him

But she was only 33 and mother of four

and could not bring herself to abandon them…

Besides, the voice whispered in her head,

it’s the hollow loneliness that prompts

such a foreign concept as taking her own life,

and that will pass in time…

A constant debilitating battle raged

within the fabric of her emotional

and mental life tapestry

and in moments of tortuous sanity

she wondered if her ability

to be rational had deteriorated completely…

¤

The hollow void of loneliness

gained strength as the days, weeks, months slid by

Now with the one year mark

a shadow in the past

she felt as if she was losing her inner strength,

she was unsure of her bodies staying power

and was always so damn tired…so tired

She had trouble eating

forcing remotely healthy morsels

into her system every now and then

enough to keep her going, keep her alive

She seemed to survive

on disgusting amounts of coke cola and chain-smoking…

She stayed up late into the night

unwilling to go to a bed she now sometimes shared

with the baby or the preschooler when he had nightmares

She sat up alone, thinking, writing,

listening to the lonely midnight noises…

She knew the damage she was inflicting on herself,

mind, body, and spirit

and she knew that with each passing day

a little more of her died…

sharonlee©1994