Philosophical Ponderings….

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Philosophical Ponderings….

I know that if honesty &‘do no harm’ are my mantra, then there have been times I have failed, but honesty and ‘do no harm’ do not always harmonize with each other and there had been times when to do no harm I have been forced to be dishonest...This is my cross to bear and I await karma’s judgement with stoic resignation; In the meantime I endeavour to amend the karmic balance in my life past present and future, and day-by-day seek to be a better person; But as I mature I find communal living to be tiring and the daily effort to be part of a community draining; oftentimes I long for the complete isolation of the bush… a tranquil place of my own where I can be left alone; But I know such all-encompassing solitude is not good for the spirit and without a soul companion to share this isolation I would soon become even more anti-social than I am known to be... And in my inner most core… that part of me that is all woman and nothing else, I have to admit that I am so lonely that now honesty and my own personal philosophical ponderings are my only comfort;

Spiritually Malnourished

I feel a quiet exhaustion…an ageless tiredness born from surviving the passage of time, my spirit and soul drift in a state of lethargy and felt no reason or rhyme nor synergy of heart and mind; there are moments filled with vague reflection with empty spaces in between… the emptiness of unremembered years… I wander through my memories, mind in a dream… I seem to move through life out of step… in some motion way I can’t explain… as if unseen forces tried to hold my stubbornly determined steps at bay…I move through the mundane repetitiveness of each passing day, periodically inspired by fingers of morning mist or the winter sun when it strayed through my window in a rainbow spray… I do not feel sadness, pleasure or pain … there is no sense of progress loss or gain, no anger, resentment or spiritual fire … no physical desire or, feelings of passion no more tears fell down my slowly aging face; all I feel is a flatness and a tired grace… a weary acceptance of time and station and a vague hope for the future as I keep up with life’s pace…

A Moment of Self-Reflection

So in the spirit of erasing all negativity I thought perhaps it was time to be honest with myself; really honest…not the false honesty that I have been using all these years to keep sane, but honest honesty, bare faced, no holds barred stripped to the core honesty… there really are time when I am longingly lonely… for a shoulder to rest my head upon… a hand to hold… I am tired of being the rock; the pillar of strength, the icon of independence... I am achingly tired of being alone… even when surrounded by family and friends or a city were million walk the streets day and night; it was a silent self-accepting loneliness; the loneliness of a martyr, in a way… for my attempts at meeting like-mind people and seeking one who could be…. Could be that soul companion…. Well any attempt on my part has been halfhearted if I am to be completely honest …I had let the inner grow into a bottomless emptiness that knew no end… it was an inner desolation I kept to myself and hid from my friends… concealed behind a facade of false bravado...it was a loneliness born from loyalty to a lost love and perpetuated by fear of the unknown… I want to be touched…mind body and soul, held, loved… I want tenderness and romance…I long to lose myself in someone’s eyes and know that they felt just as lost… lost in the sea of someone’s soul… and yet not lost, but found, at home, content;

With Me

With Me

sharonlee | WritersCafe.org

sharonlee | WritersCafe.org

Blurred at the Edges

Blurred at the Edges

¤

 Her plain beauty now blurred at the edges

by terminal exhaustion

while more subtle changes were taking place within

Her heart refused to be healed

and her body refused nourishment…

All the while the voice kept her company,

urging her to accept life's changes,

to embrace the simple treasures of the world,

sunsets, family picnics, the music of nature…

It came as a surprise to notice one day

that she no longer hated the voice

and the things it had to say

and it surprised her even more to realise

that a certain level of healing had begun

somewhere deep within her…

¤

 now she cried more from loneliness than pain

and She came to realise too

how she differed from the woman she once was

and felt she had evolved to a new level of womanhood

She found it painful to admit

that this quiet spiritual journey

which was so instrumental in her evolution

would not have come about

had it not been for the unexpected death

of her love, father of her children, …

¤

 While she continued to love him

she came to the understanding

that this new woman deserved another chance,

another chance at life,

and another chance to love…

She had trouble picturing

this new sense of self with a soul mate

but the knowledge that it could happen comforted her,

offered her hope for a future time...

For now she was content to live life

as best she could,

to keep her children safe and loved

and as she moved through the healing process

she gained an inner strength

and came to accept life's changes as they rolled around.;

sharonlee©1999

When She Was Only 33

When She Was Only 33

¤

 He was gone for more than a year now

She knew with a cold heart-hardening fatalism

that she would never see his smile

or feel the sweet honesty of his touch

she wrestled with the thought of suicide

so strong was her need to be with him

But she was only 33 and mother of four

and could not bring herself to abandon them…

Besides, the voice whispered in her head,

it’s the hollow loneliness that prompts

such a foreign concept as taking her own life,

and that will pass in time…

A constant debilitating battle raged

within the fabric of her emotional

and mental life tapestry

and in moments of tortuous sanity

she wondered if her ability

to be rational had deteriorated completely…

¤

The hollow void of loneliness

gained strength as the days, weeks, months slid by

Now with the one year mark

a shadow in the past

she felt as if she was losing her inner strength,

she was unsure of her bodies staying power

and was always so damn tired…so tired

She had trouble eating

forcing remotely healthy morsels

into her system every now and then

enough to keep her going, keep her alive

She seemed to survive

on disgusting amounts of coke cola and chain-smoking…

She stayed up late into the night

unwilling to go to a bed she now sometimes shared

with the baby or the preschooler when he had nightmares

She sat up alone, thinking, writing,

listening to the lonely midnight noises…

She knew the damage she was inflicting on herself,

mind, body, and spirit

and she knew that with each passing day

a little more of her died…

sharonlee©1994

Life Lessons and Karmic Judgment

Life Lessons and Karmic Judgment
¤

Outside her tranquil cocoon
 life seemed more sinister and complicated...
 She realized that not everyone
was a salt of the earth bushy
with a heart of gold...
 it was her biggest awakening
and her harshest lesson...
And yet the full impact
of that realization
did not sink in at first...
 as a young woman she continued
to put her faith in humankind
and to believe that everyone deserved
the chance to atone for his or her mistakes...
 and deep down she still believed this...
As a result she met her fair share
of conmen and reprobates...
she has been stalked and terrorized,
beaten and ripped off,
there have been those who took advantage
 of her trusting nature
and many who tried to supplant her incorruptibility
 with their particular brand of depravity and turpitude...
 It was a case of lesson after painful lesson for her...
 but she stuck to her own personal credo
 to do no harm
and eventually became more perceptive
of the human race
she learnt how to pick her friends
 She knows now who and what to look for
and what to avoid...

She knew that if honesty was her mantra
then there were times she had failed
 but honesty and ‘do no harm’ did not
 always harmonize with each other
 and there had been times when to do no harm
she had been forced to be dishonest...
 This was her cross to bear
and she waited karma’s judgment
with stoic resignation...
 In the meantime she endeavoured
to amend the karmic balance in her life,
 past present and future
and day-by-day practiced being better person;
sharonlee©

sharonlee ( regrets and re-growth

sharonlee

( regrets and re-growth )
¤

she lay in sad morning shadows

faded flowers on tired white sheets

that she used in crumpled sleep ruffled folds

to hide longing she silently keeps

for quiet moments like midnight

and the softly kissed hours of dawn

when wet fingers of ghostly mist

trace patterns on tear stained lawn ,

hands that showed a labour of life

idly rubbed a naked thigh

breasts that blushed beneath purple silk

rose and fell with a sigh ,

so often she felt alone ,

a mother, a widow

and on her own,

crying silently in the early light

that creeps in like a phantom

at the close of night,

she felt the mother- bond

of every child she carried

and felt the loss and the yearning

for a man she loved

and but never married,

as gentle morning sunlight

massaged her sleep warm skin

she found a wicked little tremor

had stirred her from within ,

filling her with breathless sighs

for morning delights

and rainforest highs

and for nights of hidden identity

when the world had closed its gates

and she could remain anonymous

as she walked life ' s pathways late

and for wild eyes days of blue sky fun

hot sand dancing in december sun ,

with something deep within her aching

for quiet moments of contemplating,

a sheltered corner of virgin green

for living and loving and realizing her dreams,

suddenly she glanced up to see

the regrets and re-growth

of sharonlee ,

then gathering strength for another

moment of time , she pleaded with life --

at least I’m trying ,

be kind;
sharonlee©