When She Was Only 33
¤
He was gone for more than a year now
She knew with a cold heart-hardening fatalism
that she would never see his smile
or feel the sweet honesty of his touch
she wrestled with the thought of suicide
so strong was her need to be with him
But she was only 33 and mother of four
and could not bring herself to abandon them…
Besides, the voice whispered in her head,
it’s the hollow loneliness that prompts
such a foreign concept as taking her own life,
and that will pass in time…
A constant debilitating battle raged
within the fabric of her emotional
and mental life tapestry
and in moments of tortuous sanity
she wondered if her ability
to be rational had deteriorated completely…
¤
The hollow void of loneliness
gained strength as the days, weeks, months slid by
Now with the one year mark
a shadow in the past
she felt as if she was losing her inner strength,
she was unsure of her bodies staying power
and was always so damn tired…so tired
She had trouble eating
forcing remotely healthy morsels
into her system every now and then
enough to keep her going, keep her alive
She seemed to survive
on disgusting amounts of coke cola and chain-smoking…
She stayed up late into the night
unwilling to go to a bed she now sometimes shared
with the baby or the preschooler when he had nightmares
She sat up alone, thinking, writing,
listening to the lonely midnight noises…
She knew the damage she was inflicting on herself,
mind, body, and spirit
and she knew that with each passing day
a little more of her died…
sharonlee©1994
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