Philosophical Ponderings….

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Philosophical Ponderings….

I know that if honesty &‘do no harm’ are my mantra, then there have been times I have failed, but honesty and ‘do no harm’ do not always harmonize with each other and there had been times when to do no harm I have been forced to be dishonest...This is my cross to bear and I await karma’s judgement with stoic resignation; In the meantime I endeavour to amend the karmic balance in my life past present and future, and day-by-day seek to be a better person; But as I mature I find communal living to be tiring and the daily effort to be part of a community draining; oftentimes I long for the complete isolation of the bush… a tranquil place of my own where I can be left alone; But I know such all-encompassing solitude is not good for the spirit and without a soul companion to share this isolation I would soon become even more anti-social than I am known to be... And in my inner most core… that part of me that is all woman and nothing else, I have to admit that I am so lonely that now honesty and my own personal philosophical ponderings are my only comfort;

Spiritually Malnourished

I feel a quiet exhaustion…an ageless tiredness born from surviving the passage of time, my spirit and soul drift in a state of lethargy and felt no reason or rhyme nor synergy of heart and mind; there are moments filled with vague reflection with empty spaces in between… the emptiness of unremembered years… I wander through my memories, mind in a dream… I seem to move through life out of step… in some motion way I can’t explain… as if unseen forces tried to hold my stubbornly determined steps at bay…I move through the mundane repetitiveness of each passing day, periodically inspired by fingers of morning mist or the winter sun when it strayed through my window in a rainbow spray… I do not feel sadness, pleasure or pain … there is no sense of progress loss or gain, no anger, resentment or spiritual fire … no physical desire or, feelings of passion no more tears fell down my slowly aging face; all I feel is a flatness and a tired grace… a weary acceptance of time and station and a vague hope for the future as I keep up with life’s pace…

A Moment of Self-Reflection

So in the spirit of erasing all negativity I thought perhaps it was time to be honest with myself; really honest…not the false honesty that I have been using all these years to keep sane, but honest honesty, bare faced, no holds barred stripped to the core honesty… there really are time when I am longingly lonely… for a shoulder to rest my head upon… a hand to hold… I am tired of being the rock; the pillar of strength, the icon of independence... I am achingly tired of being alone… even when surrounded by family and friends or a city were million walk the streets day and night; it was a silent self-accepting loneliness; the loneliness of a martyr, in a way… for my attempts at meeting like-mind people and seeking one who could be…. Could be that soul companion…. Well any attempt on my part has been halfhearted if I am to be completely honest …I had let the inner grow into a bottomless emptiness that knew no end… it was an inner desolation I kept to myself and hid from my friends… concealed behind a facade of false bravado...it was a loneliness born from loyalty to a lost love and perpetuated by fear of the unknown… I want to be touched…mind body and soul, held, loved… I want tenderness and romance…I long to lose myself in someone’s eyes and know that they felt just as lost… lost in the sea of someone’s soul… and yet not lost, but found, at home, content;